• Posted on:August 9th, 2007
• Comments:No Comment
• Category:Knitting Lady, My Every Day

When I started this sweater, I joked that it was The Laid Off Sweater. I thought it would be a good gauge of how long I stayed jobless. I received my copy of IK on Monday and was casting on before going to bed. My only real obligations for the next two days were running, so I ran, watched movies and knitted. By yesterday afternoon I had gotten about twelve inches of the body done, which was, I might add, huge progress for someone who can’t knit continental style and has such a short attention span. But hey, this looked doable. And there was no seaming involved. And I hate seaming. Hey, I’m not a huge fan of garter stitch like the designer is (who cranks out the most beautiful sweaters I have ever seen) but even I was developing a crush on how the tweedy yarn stitched up all gartery bumpy and delicious.

It occurred to me on Wednesday, maybe sometime late in the afternoon, that the medium size was knitting up more like a large, and that there was no way in hell I’d have enough yarn. On the yarn: it was bought for a different sweater project involving lots of cables. Cables I thought I’d be all about knitting over and over again. And even though it became pretty damn clear after about three rows that I hated making the cables, the seed stitch, and the fact that when I finished the front body panel TEN YEARS FROM NOW I’d have to start all over and do another one, the project still stayed on the needles holding out hope. And I sat there, starting at a bag of Jo Sharp Silkroad Aran Tweed yarn that cost me more than any of the sweaters I have in my closet (and I bought it ON SALE) and a project that made my eyes bleed every time I looked at it.

I should say this isn’t the first time the thought occurred to me. Tuesday night I looked at all I had done and thought, should there be shaping? Because after all, shaping is what girls to do sweaters. I’ve managed to finish complicated sock patterns but I’ve never finished a sweater. And after looking at the pattern and realizing there was way too much math and sweater understanding involved, or more than I was capable of handling, I said screw the shaping. And even though I was nagged by the fear that it was turning out too wide and was going to use up more yarn than I had, I pressed on. And there we were, a day later, twelve inches into the body of the sweater and still the oppressive doubt. Because really, have I ever swatched a project? Never! Do I occasionally measure gauge after I’ve started a project? Sure. But I’m lazy and stupid, and would rather dive head first into a project, spend about twenty hours on it, and then have regrets.

Hey, this is how I roll.

So last night after much sweat, almost tears, and a little profanity, I started over and recast for the small size. Since I’m not as long in the body or arms as the pattern calls for in the specs, I’m mostly confident I will be able to finish with not only enough yarn, but some left over. Another movie and an HBO Comedy special later, I’m about four inches through with the body. And I’m frustrated and my fingers hurt. And I’m laughing mostly at myself, wondering if this is who my life is going to be forever. Because lately it seems like all I do is start over. Some things have a slightly larger impact than a handknit sweater. Like divorce. And getting laid off because someone else’s contract didn’t get renewed, and in the end, it was cheaper to give your work to some dipshit intern than to keep you on the team.

I know that this kind of stuff has to happen every so often, because change is good and we need to grow and move on sometimes. But must I always feel like I’m in transition? Truth be told I’m getting a little tired of living out of plastic bins and not really knowing what’s going to happen. My professional resume covers about ten years right now, but feels full of nothing worthwhile. I look at the very few job possibilities and feel underqualified for all of them.

It hasn’t been a very good self-esteem week, this first week of being unemployed.

But back to the sweater (and yes, I have a point with all of this). When I started it on Monday and had the first notion that I would run out of yarn, I told myself that if it looked like I was going to be short, I could try to find a matching skein when we were in St. Paul next weekend. That gave me two weeks to finish it or have it mostly completed. I know I’ve been spending most of my time knitting (when I’m not running) but I just know I need to finish this project, and I need to finish it soon. I need to know that I can set out to start something and complete it successfully, on my terms. Sure, I could be scouring the newspaper for job ads that don’t fucking exist, but I need to work out some of this frustration and anger and feel good about myself again. And I have given myself the condition that I want to be over and through with this and move on by the time this sweater is done. And since lately I can’t seem to concentrate on much anyway, I’m hoping a little mindless stockinette stitch will help me out here. Knitting therapy, I guess.

And maybe I will start writing more, since writing was the thing I wanted to do when I moved up here over two years ago and haven’t done a fucking lick of since I’ve been here.