I spent the rest of the morning after my doctor appointment freaked out about gestational diabetes. And then I got on a computer and did some reading. And I am not as freaked out anymore.
But WTF, doc? Thank you for scaring the shit out of me this morning. Always a good thing on a Monday. I’ll do the glucola test (I’m too lazy to look up the proper name) next week and hope for the best.
I’m measuring 27cm, which is at the high end of the “normal” range, according to my doc. I feel like I’ve completely exploded over the past week and a half, so this doesn’t surprise me. Of course, now I’m completely freaked that this baby is going to be huge.
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It feels like someone’s kicked me in the balls. Well, if I had balls. I figure this must be what it feels like. Nurses keep throwing up the answer of “ligament pain” for every damned ache I have but this feels different.
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My boss wants to talk to me later about some changes in my job situation. Changes that would lead to me having medical benefits. I should be jumping for joy but I’m not quite clear on how switching from the situation I have no would be beneficial to me. Of course, in his mind why wouldn’t I want the company’s benefits?
I’m walking a fine line. Trying to figure out which is the best course for me until this baby is born and not trying to appear ungrateful for any offers that come my way. But sometimes this is lost on people who have no concept of struggling to pay bills or making a salary with less than six figures.
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I go back and forth between wanting this baby out NOW and having this whole pregnancy thing over with to wanting to delay it as much as possible, because I just cannot fathom how this is going to change my life. I mean, it’s not like I don’t have some idea of what certain changes will be, but am I even equipped for this? Is the maternal instinct going to kick in?
I have to admit that right now, I’m not feeling very attached to this thing growing inside of me. I’m aware that it’s there because it’s uncomfortable, but bonding? It occurred to me yesterday that this little thing is completely relying on me right now to make good choices to help her grow and keep her safe. And most of the time, unless she’s kicking or stomping on my bladder, I’m just wrapped up in how uncomfortable I am. How I wish I could wear pants with an actual waistline. How I really can’t wait to be able to tie a pair of shoes without nearly passing out. How some days I feel completely unprepared for all of this.
