• Posted on:August 11th, 2008
• Comments:1 Comment
• Category:Weighing In

Today sucks.

I try to stay away from the blog when I’m down, because I’ve wanted to spare any of the few readers that stop here, to not expose them to Me, The Dark Edition, the one who whines and cries every once in awhile, who sometimes can’t get past all of the little things in life that seem like total bullshit. Yeah, sometimes I think life is unfair and I want to whine about it. Even though I know it to be untrue, there are days when my problems are the biggest in the world, and who cares what anyone else is dealing with? On days like today I become that person. Wah, wah, wah.

I guess if I only blogged on the days when I felt optimistic and happy it wouldn’t be a true representation of me. My life is not a bright bowl of cherries everyday. This past year has really sucked. Hard.

I’ve spent most of the day looking up Recommended Daily Allowance values, or at least trying to, because even though I’d think this is something that would be easy to find online — like a chart of percentages that you could use to calculate amounts against a recommended calorie intake — it’s not that easy. I know because I’ve spent at least four hours in Google. Which I’m pretty sure does not burn very many calories. Especially if your non-mouse hand is reaching for a donut.

Just kidding about the donut! Truth is I’ve done a pretty good job of staying out of no-man’s land when it comes to calories today. It might be due to the fact that I’m still full from this past weekend’s binge on BBQ ribs, beer, oatmeal cookies, pie, pasta salad, and takeout from Pei Wei, our new favorite place to treat ourselves when we’re visiting The Big City.

It was only a short weekend trip, but it was nice to see Scott’s family and spend some time outside of the U.P. On the way home, we stopped at a rest stop to fuel up on cheap(er) reservation gas. Having a bladder the size of a thimble, I went to use the restroom, catching my reflection in the mirror. And it was sad. Stomach — no make that a GUT — sticking out, every curve of my body soft and squishy. I looked like a pregnant woman well into her second trimester. Which would be fine, if I were pregnant. Which, as far as I know, I am not.

I have struggled with what it is exactly that is holding me back from becoming the person I want to be, the person I thought I was at one time but it’s been so long that I’ve forgotten what she’s like. And while I know that it’s extremely superficial to concentrate so much on the exterior, as a person who has struggled at times with weight and self issues, how can I not see the fat girl staring back? Because that is what I see, despite what every self-help and self-image guru tells me. And lately for me, I don’t recognize that person.

And while there are people who are undoubtedly reading this and thinking GET OVER YOURSELF, I wish it were that easy. Truth is, I feel paralyzed. Not only is my career quite frankly in the shitter, if you can even say that I’ve ever even HAD a career, but I’ve let everything else go as well. As much as I vowed to not let this exact thing happen to me (it’s a lot easier when it doesn’t seem remotely possible) I did.

I feel like I have the best intentions. But I also feel stuck.

I don’t know what it is lately. Maybe it’s hormones. Maybe it’s that I’m sick and tired of waiting around for the next big thing to happen, the thing that will let me look back on this totally shitty 2008 and think, I made it through one of the worst years of my life. Maybe it’s because lately the only place I can see most everything going is down, and I’m not sure how I’m going to dig myself out.

The ride home was fairly uneventful, and while Scott drove, I found myself staring out the window, longing for the city. Coming home to a place that I honestly love was the last thing I wanted to do. And I’m not sure how to feel about that.