• Posted on:June 17th, 2008
• Comments:No Comment
• Category:My Every Day

I haven’t blogged regularly aside from the 50×365 posts, but not because there’s not anything going on. It’s because reading about the state of my affairs right now may result in bumming you out. Well, at least it does for me.

Here’s a recap of the recent weeks.

I gave up my apartment and moved the rest of my stuff into The House, which I was mainly occupying for some time (at least since the dogs have been around). Giving up the monthly rent payment was the smart move financially, and I’m happy to be rid of it. Still, I feel a little nostalgia when I drive past the first real home of my very own of my adult life thus far. I am not counting any living spaces I occupied with my ex.

Why was this one special? It certainly wasn’t a swanky place in a great neighborhood, but it was truly my own. I made decisions on where the sofa should go, or how many different varieties of mustard to keep in the refrigerator (I think I had five). Even though there wasn’t a single damn closet in the joint, I made it work for a couple of years, and when it was clean, it wasn’t a bad little place. Anyway, chapter of my life over.

We spent a few days in the St. Paul, MN area visiting with Scott’s family for a high school graduation. When we weren’t listening to children complain about having nothing to do for half the day (they’d sleep in the other half), we spent a nice afternoon shopping downtown on Grand Avenue (my favorite place), ate lunch at a chain restaurant and did not so fun things like get tires and rims replaced on Scott’s truck ($$$$$$).

Despite being fairly poor, we made the most of our time and money. Sitting at lunch, over my spicy beef thai rice dish (it was good), I reflected on how things had been going for the past year. Come July 31 I will have been unemployed (full-time work at least) for a year. That’s a year without health insurance and a year full of insecurities about what was going to happen. The bartending gig at The Bar wasn’t much, and wasn’t even fun all of the time, but it was making enough to pay the bills and giving me extra time to pursue some projects on the side (few as they may be, but still). These days, eating out at a chain eatery for $16 was somewhat of a luxury, but it was a luxury all the more appreciated, and I truly felt like it was going to be okay.

I called home to The Bar later that day, to make arrangements with one of the waitresses about my return, which was likely going to be right around opening time the next day (I had agreed to work that shift). The phone rang with no answer. They’re busy, I thought. I called back later. No answer.

I thought, maybe we closed this week for the annual big cleaning that takes place every June.

I called the next day. No answer. I called both owners. Voicemail. I finally sent a text message to the banquet manager and later that day got a message confirming that they were closing the restaurant and possibly selling back to the original owner because they “just couldn’t make it financially.”

I had a feeling this might happen down the road, but I didn’t expect it so soon. I also expected that someone would have the courtesy to give me a goddamn phone call to let me know about it.

I can’t help but feel like the U.P. has it out for me. I’ve lost count of the number of jobs I’ve applied for and been rejected for up here. Just when I’m not panicking about money and resigning myself to the whole “former professional now food service worker” thing, the restaurant shuts down, and I might not have a job.

As for that, I have yet to speak to the new/former owner who is taking over the place, the grand opening being today. It’s a conversation I’m not looking forward to having, from what I hear from former employees. I will be very surprised if I’m retained on staff.

If I had something else lined up, I would chalk this up to perfect timing, but since this isn’t the case, I’ll be honest with you: I’m kind of fucking freaked out again. As always, I’ve got applications out there but the way things have been going, I’m sure as hell not holding my breath any of them will pan out.

I can’t help but ask, should I have given up months ago? I chose to stay because I wanted to be near the things and people I love here. It didn’t matter to me that any work I’d get up here would pale in comparison (financially) to any work I’d get elsewhere. I didn’t need to be rich. I expected to be able to secure full-time work at the very least with a clerical position, even entry-level. Countless folks have gotten my hopes up about possibilities, only to shrug their shoulders after the jobs have been given to other people. “It’s hard to get a job here,” they tell me. If I had a buck for every time I’ve heard that, I wouldn’t fucking need a job.

So sorry for the absence. Blogging seems pointless lately, and whenever I sit down at the keyboard, I think of the hundred other things I should be doing right now. What are these things? I’m not sure anymore. It’s just very hard to feel like everything I’ve been doing up until this point hasn’t been a complete waste of time.