Grandma’s

I owe a marathon update.

About five months ago, I was under the influence of some heavy drugs and thought it might be fun to sign up for a summer marathon.

We even bought shirts to tell people that we were in training. How cute.

We did next to no training, and not a single long run in double digits, due to weather, hockey, scheduling, injury, and sheer apathy.

As the race got closer, I considered whether or not we should even go. However, the room was already paid for in advance, and we still wanted to see the course. So we showed up and picked up our race packets, sans swag (they had somehow run out).

After the expo being a complete disappointment, we tried to find a place to eat, somewhere we could carbo-load. We didn’t want to drive back to Duluth, so we opted for an Crapplebee’s in Superior, possibly the worst one I have been to in my adult life.

Since we had already broken about 100 rules of pre-marathon preparation (the training being the biggie), we decided to toast the evening with margaritas. Because at this point, what the fuck is it going to matter?

We threw in a basket of chips and salsa, just for kicks. I had a bad orange chicken stirfry.

Morning of the race came very early. 4:30AM early, to be precise.

Buses left the dorms for Two Harbors at 5:30AM. I think our bus driver took the long and leisurely route to the starting line, because what should have been a 30 minute drive took an hour at least. I was so amped up for the race that I fell asleep on the way to the start.

This is the line for the porta-johns that I didn’t stand in and opted to find a bush. In one of my not finer moments, I squatted and the sheriff drove up to me on an ATV as I was hiking up my shorts. He didn’t take me to jail, but I’m sure he could have. How a marathon can have their panties in such a wad over people peeing in the brush (IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME) is beyond me.

There are of course, no pictures during the race, since the race officials strongly discourage the use of electronic devices while racing, for the safety of all racers. I only saw one woman with headphones, which is pretty much a fuck you to the USATF.

We ran/walked the entire way, probably running a little over half of the distance. Terrible cramping prevented running toward the end, and the fear of getting kicked off the course before we could cross the finish line motivated us to jog through the last few miles. We crossed the line, got our medals and shirts, and were left to scrounge almost empty boxes of bananas and half-eaten bagels for food. another huge disappointment. Granted, we were out on the course longer than we probably should have, but there were plenty of people behind us. It was hot that day, and people were dropping like flies in the medical tents. I give a lot of credit to the ones who stuck it out and tried to finish, because while some runners would scoff at these peoples’ times, they’re giving everything they’ve got to finish, some of them working, relatively, a helluva lot harder than those who finish in less time. Hey, you definitely gain a different perspective when you’re bringing up the rear of a 26.2 mile race.

So we did finish. And we were very sore. And will we ever try a marathon without training again? Probably not.

And yes, there are approximately three months until our next one…